Lost

 Assalammualaikum and hey,

so basically, I'm lost. my thought, my heart can't even deal with the reality. what is what, where is where, when is when, why is why. when I think that I could talk to no one, it's hard actually, when you don't want to think about it, but it still coming to you. yes, I'm the one who controlling it, but it's easy said than done. I just afraid that I'm no longer myself. past, present, future. even i couldn't understand myself. no, I just can't explain myself more. I don't know if this is an excuses that I just make myself.

aku tahu perkara-perkara ni, kalau cakap pun, akan berbalik pada aku. sebab aku yang terlebih fikir, semua dalam kepala aku. kalau aku minta benda tu datang, aku tak perlu rasanya gelabah. aku tak perlu lah nak banyak-banyak fikir. haha. baiklah pendam, sebab aku yang mengajukan soalan tersebut. kenapa aku nak persoalkan kepada orang lain? as far as i know, no one will understand, how deep is my dark side that i wish i could just bring it to dead. sumpah aku rasa sekarang adalah masa yang aku tak nak, tak pernah senaraikan dalam hidup aku. apa yang aku hadap sekarang, i wish for anyone never ever face it. i thought i could rely on anyone, but i make promises to myself, no one will stay for who you are rather than yourself. 

yes, this is so selfish. but whatever people said, whatever the do, it is just will come back at you. people will keep on blaming you for who you are, for what's happened to you. you'll just have to endure, just have to keep on listening, yet no one knows, yang aku sebenarnya dah tenggelam terlalu jauh. aku ingatkan aku dah tak akan jumpa diri aku yang macam ni, tapi itu semua dalah penipuan yang aku buat, yang aku letakkan as something that no one will ever know. aku berterima kasih sebab diri aku yang setelah sekian lama aku pendam, setelah sekian lama aku sorok, setelah sekian lama aku lari, setelah sekiann lama cuba nak baikkan, nak pulihkan diri aku, yet aku tersilap langkah. aku terjatuh balik dalam lubang yang selama ini aku larikan diri dan takkan pandang langsung. aku benarkan diri aku untuk sakit, aku benarkan orang untuk sakitkan aku in every way possible.

this is so hard as far as aku cuba untuk selamatkan diri aku semula. aku tolak seberapa ramai yang cuba untuk bantu aku, sebab aku sendiri tak nampak mana arah tuju hidup aku dengan berbekalkan benda yang aku tak nak hadap. aku penat, i grew tired everyday. it seems like no one will understand. everyone thought this is my first time hadapi benda ni. setiap hari aku wish for my own death, i wish that this feeling will go away. how much that i've fight with my own self, my own demons and my own thought. i just never feel that no one will answers to my never ending hatred. to be honest, aku give up, everyday aku give up, sebab aku dah tak nak rasa macam ni, tapi aku keep on hurting myself in every way possible. 

aku tahu, seberapa ramai aku jumpa, seberapa ramai yang aku kenal, aku takut setiap hari aku akan hurting people around me. i've never really hope this could happened at the first place. aku takut yang orang akan tinggalkan aku, dan aku cuba elakkan diri aku daripada semua orang. im sorry to my family cause i've never could told anything regarding this. i've never know why am i feeling like this. my head keep telling me that no one ever care for me, no one ever need me, i dont deserve to be loved, i dont deserved to feel safe. i give everything to people, i took care of their heart, i take every step possible just to be strong for others. and i left myself alone to feel this hurt. 

your surrounding keep on telling you that they can assure you this will be just a moment, yet no one knows how hard it is to be in this shoes. and i've never want anyone to feel it this way. you're going to be tired, how strong you are, at one point, you just wish that this could be stop as soon as possible. your breath which that killed you every moment is way too hard. everyone keep on telling you, this is just in your head, this is not you, you need to be happy, you cant be sad, you are strong, yet they never really stay with you. i've been drop like i was just a mere nothing at the first place. you were never a choice, you are just an option, at one point, im done with everything. 

the sleep that i have was actually killing me, i'll never ever get a run from this. i'll keep on reminding about this. i'll keep on being chased by this which i would never wish for my life. the problems is me, im the problems. i was the one who create all the problems. it's my faults that everything fall into this hell. i was the one who make people uncomfortable. iwaas the one who make people run away from me, i was the one who make people hate me. i can't understand why am i being like this, i just can't see why am i hurting anyone who could possible to be with me, why am i care too much to people. when actually i was the one who need, who should make the conversations, make the relationship happened. when i can't see if the other party really going with me or not. am i just being delusional? dont i know that no one ever choose me at the first place, im just and options, no one will ever keep in touch with me, i know because i was the one who create all of this, i have to take care of everyone heart. but no one really take me as someone who give everthing as much as i could. but i cant complained because i was the one who pushed people away. i still keep on saying that i cant trust anyone. how many heartbreak, how many hurting that i must face just to make me say that im done with all of this?

why?

 ive stop telling people all of this because the only things that i get is, this is all in my head. when i try to open up, when i try to get the attention, i was left all alone. alone.