constant reiteration

Actually I don't even know why I feel all of this, why I feel this heaviness in my chest, like everything feels not right. The urge to just go beyond the thongs that is worse, it's worsening day by day. You know that's it's there in your head  the loudness in this silence. I know there's chances but I don't feel safe at all. I'm still trying, trying my best, and I know it's so stupid because I couldn't talk to anyone, like I was asking for the attention, like whatever I feel it's just another fool need attention. 

I'm sorry that actually I try to reach everyone and yet I couldn't do that, I froze myself and the voices really loud in my head, I try to be there for anyone and yet I can't even hold myself, I lost my own grip to grasp the reality and stand where I standing. I lost everything, I just look at myself broken and shattered slowly, and I couldn't even do anything, what the fuck am I sad for? Like seriously I thought I'm okay but actually I'm not, I'm wrecking and I don't know why

Faking your smile, laughing with tears, body without soul, I cant even describe myself at one point that I felt lost at one point I just want to shut everything, and at that point, I don't care if I just lost myself. Everything's breaking, shattered, messed up because of me, if I laugh it out, it's still there. I know I should do something and yet I'm not nowhere that I should be. 

No one should feel like this, I would never ask anyone to even feel like this at all, it's killing you slowly without you even realised it. I thought I was okay, I thought I was fine all over my life that I would never think about it at all. But who knows that surpassing it in your entire life was just a big ticking bomb, by the time its exploded, there's no turning back. I shouldn't even ask if people do really gave up on me, is it because of me? Is it because the way I talk? Is it because I'm just a bad person? Am I that toxic?

I know I'm not even worth and good to keep it, but why am I being bad for others who really care for me? I just wasted all of my time in my head because I'm always hiding myself behind this mask. This is the reason why this shoe's never belong and isn't for anyone, fucking messed up your life, your head never really giving you a definite reason to live like a normal person at all. Everything stopped, everyone give up and all I know this happened because of me, the faults is on me! 

Now they stop talking to me, everything just become blurred, everyone just gave up, as I see for the best, it's the only way to stop me from being too much with what's happening in my head, as I thought, but it's just wrong. 

All of my grasp is slipping away, and I'm drowning back into the pitch black darkness. The urge just to do it again, the urge to make another scar, the urge to just disappear, the urge to be in that place again, im fucking messed up, what's happening to me?

The guns is at my head, the ropes is on my neck, the blades in on my hand, all of this is just overwhelming. i keep on falling back again and again and again, it's just tiring, suffocating, suffering, but all i can do is need to be okay and smile, right?