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constant reiteration

Actually I don't even know why I feel all of this, why I feel this heaviness in my chest, like everything feels not right. The urge to just go beyond the thongs that is worse, it's worsening day by day. You know that's it's there in your head  the loudness in this silence. I know there's chances but I don't feel safe at all. I'm still trying, trying my best, and I know it's so stupid because I couldn't talk to anyone, like I was asking for the attention, like whatever I feel it's just another fool need attention.  I'm sorry that actually I try to reach everyone and yet I couldn't do that, I froze myself and the voices really loud in my head, I try to be there for anyone and yet I can't even hold myself, I lost my own grip to grasp the reality and stand where I standing. I lost everything, I just look at myself broken and shattered slowly, and I couldn't even do anything, what the fuck am I sad for? Like seriously I thought I'm...

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Assalammualaikum.
alhamdulilah. masih algi bernafas dibumi Allah. masih menghirup. dengan berbekalkan hati yang lemah. Ya Allah berikanlah ak kesabaran dalam menghadapi dugaan dan cabaranmu Ya Allah. ak merupakan umat yang cukup tidak sabar. sama ad dengan kebaikan mahupun dengan kesedihan. pasti ak akn mempersoalkan.

sepatutnya ak tahu yang kau mmg memerlukan masa untuk hadapi semua ni. ak tahu bagaimana rasa kekecewaan tu. sebab sehari selepas tu baru ak rasa kecewa macam mana kau kecewa. mungkin ak ni tak matang sangat tu yang ak ni terlalu berusaha untuk jadi kapas atau span kau. yang mendengar masalah kau. yang mendengar leteran kau.
i hope that i could hold you as you hold me since then.
well act i miss the really you. they said that you need your time. to face all this things. yes. you were sad and i hope you can accept it. but you still need your time to face it. im sorry because of my bad behave with you. just i miss those smile, i miss those laugh, i miss you tease me and others, how i miss all things that makes you a perfect person front of me. that listens to my lil stupid boring. you know that it is still a boring story but you hear it without any doubts.
win win situation that been lies front
everyone always said that im a cheerful person. sometimes when mad, they can see it. but you the one know about it. hahaha. still cant accept that this big smile hid many things about world. that cant be accept by heart or by mind. yes you choose to be silent and i hope that im your reflection that smile and lend my hand to you. face the world. yes im not a perfect person and im not a tough person to face my own problems and obstacles.
im still not a perfect friend and boy
ak masih lagi mencari sinar dan kekuatan dalam menghadapi kesilapan dan kesalahan ak sepanjang dibumi ini. ak pun tahu yang kau cakap ak tak boleh nak bergantung sangat kepada orang lain. ak nak ucapkan terima kasih atas segala yang pernah kau wujudkan antara kita. ak minta maaf sebab ak ni terlalu keterlaluan dalam menghadapi kau sebagai kawan,sahabat.

mungkin ini bukan masa yang terbaik untuk ak buat entri ini. haha maafkan ak. ya maafkan ak. assalammualaikum

p/s: i hope that we could be like before. eventhough the world upside down. but i still can see your smile. that's what i want.

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