Isolation Thought

assalammualaikum and hey guys (whoever found it, whoever read this),

here we go again. here we back again. disclaimer, this has nothing to do with the actual events that is attacking us right now. beware and warning. this is just my thought, again.

actually, i never thought that, writing and reading is actually make me more calm, daripada benda-benda lain. yeah, i know, i've been thinking too much, overthinking, but when i start to write down something, it's just flowing from my mind to my fingers. my brain and my heart never really agree with each others. they are just the ying and the yang to each others. okay for my writing today, it's more to just going through with it. just slip of my mind. the calmness of it will appears from time to time of my writing. i know, this is just unpleasant and really hard to read, but believe me, i can't even understand myself, what actually that i want, what actually that i'm going to say, is it just in my mind, is it just nothing at the end. it's hard to say that i can understand myself. i always lost in my thought. i'm always push everything away, any possibilities cause it's just in my head. and that's end up with, i'm just pushing people away.

yes, there's always someone who really care of us, it's just the matters of yourself to be engulfed with you own thought and feeling. people do have feeling, and sometime they are just tired with you. but, i would say that, i'm just sorry because, i keep on pushing people away, not because of your care and your help, but it is that i'm too tired of myself. i keep on blaming myself, keep on saying sorry, because i keep on being the burden on which i can't even understand myself. i keep on sorting the priorities, keep on to put the smiles, it's just keep on coming and say, are your worth it of it? hey, i keep on saying that, i'm worth it to have all this people who stand beside me. i just say it, whether to make it comfortable, or just being sit in the plain wrong side of me.

this topic actually come to my mind, which because of the covid-19 that lingering right now. this pandemic actually forcing the people to keep themselves with social distancing, keep the hygiene, and quarantine yourself from people. hey, not to be offended or cepat koyak or what so ever. the social distancing as for my life is actually fruitful to me. yes, this sound so selfish. i'm just being selfish to me, to the people who keep on asking me, and i regardless running away from the questions. it just keep back and forth in my mind, am i even worth of it? am i just good enough? what if, i'm the one who start the conversation? am i being too weird? why am i always being the one who make people going away? am i stupid? am i annoying to the people?

this keep on lingering in my mind. because everything that i do actually bring nothing, not as much as everyone else. yes, i always said that only people who matters and care for you will actually stay. yes, i never doubt that, but for them, i'm just asking that, am i just a burden? why am i not even have the slightly of the awesomeness or just am i in the plain sight of it? even when they are trying to understand it, try to fight my thought, i know, they just give up at certain point. i'm just being stupid in this conversation of thought. i always said that, don't say that you are important to anyone, don't ever said that you know how they feel about it, don't ever say that you have the same problems. people have their own paces in it. some people will push anyone away, to have their time and their moments to recap, to sort everything.

i keep on reminding myself that, you should draw the line and boundary, respect the boundary, because if i'm the one who is keep to tight with it, people still going to leave me. so my decisions to turn down all my lifeline, not because of the childish of me, but i prefer to not even look for it, look at it, because at the end, might be no one cares, might be people never going to even notice it. i just keep on saying, this isolation is actually a good time for me to keep my own distance. i'm just distracting myself from looking for it, just like i'm the one who too much giving the effort, even i said that, i don't even care of the feedback. should have said it like zikir, but that damn stupid of me, keep denying my mind and my heart.

i just making more people too hard to even understand me, too hard people to even stay with me, being a drama king, act like this world is mine. no, actually i don't even thought about it. because this is me when i can't even handling myself. i'm just a burden, maybe i want to be listened to, but actually, i'm just lost in my own thought. i can't even say it, i can't even thought about it, just like the vastness of the seas, comes the rain, comes the high waters, come the hell, comes the typhoons, we can't expect it to calm all the time. well, i try to hide it just like the iceberg beneath the sea. i'm sorry if my act actually stupid to you, and you might feel that so damn hard to understand me, believe me, this is the real me, i keep on asking myself, beside of being khalifah, why even i exist? why even i met with you, you and you. there's always reason in it, but aku yang degil cari masalah dalam hal ini.

i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. i'm not giving up, i'm just tired of myself. i don't even know what actually that i want, seriously, avoiding and run from the problems might not solve anything, but actually it does me a favor of not thinking of it. for a while. i'm just hiding the real me, because well, everyone have their own problems right? this world doesn't rotate only around you, i keep on saying that to myself. just enough for you being there for them. i keep on breaking my own rules, my own walls, and always never learn from my past and mistakes. and you can see right where i standing right now? in the island that surround by my own hate. most of it to myself, and then come the others. yeah, sometimes, i almost cry for nothing, thinking for nothing, and i keep it push away at the back side of my mind.

what am i waiting for? what am i asking for? what am i doing it for? keep on lying to myself? avoiding my own thought and feeling?

i'm going to quotes my last entry "kita cuba untuk jadi seseorang yang membawa kebahagiaan. bukan kita meletakkan pada orang lain untuk bahagiakan diri kita sendiri. it's not even fair for you and others. i hope there's someone that will taught me that this world isnt circulate only around you, life isnt about me, you, us only. there's so much to learn from it."

purposely running away from people. serious.

p/s: i don't know what can i say at this moments. i'm sorry.