The End

Someday you will wake up and devote that, not everything will go as we hope, but you need to keep standing and keep on fight it.

Assalammualaikum

The End. Kita selalu nampak ayat ni, dalam bentuk perkataan, dalam kata-kata, di penghujung cerita, dalam pengakhiran buku selepas atau sebelum epilog. The End, membawa maksud yang dalam sesuatu perkara itu, akan berakhir pada masa tersebut, bagi sesuatu perkara yang telah berlaku. For this topic, actually it's sound weird at the first place, when it comes from me. Because most of the ending that I take it as, occurs in bad situation. Which I put The End as ending of everything, like there's no tomorrow, even though I don't believe in tomorrow. 

Let's just say, I've been wondering in my own head, in my own world, and even in my own overthinking, but not really and over-overthinking, just slightly of it. Regarding the title above, the post entry, whatsoever, I have this questions that been lingering in my mind, which is as below:

• Why people always cling to the past? I don't know is it the right words?
  
• Even though you know that you've been walking and crawling and jumping like thousand miles ahead of forward?
• It keep on coming back, like "Hello, is Aiman overthinking there?"
• Why do people need to stick around as a whole rather than being alone?
• Isn't being alone is great?
• Isn't being alone is freedom?
• Isn't being alone let your mind do whatever you want? Whatever you think of?
• Isn't it so fickle when you lost the places for you to hang, and crying all alone?
• Why do you even bother to start the conversation, the communication at the first place?
• Like, don't you been asking, is it necessary to start this from the scratch, start it all over again?
• Doesn't you feel tired with yourself?
• Why we need to suffocate? Can't even sort anything properly?
• Why people need to care about others instead of just care for themselves?
• Doesn't you feel tired, feel like numb, like when you ask "are you okay?" "do you need any help?"?

This might seem of, but the button, the brake that entitled by The End is just front of you.  Mungkin juga persoalan ni muncul sebab, dah terlalu lama aku biarkan diri aku jauh daripada semua orang. Even to those people who really care. I didn't blame them for being kind, trying to be approachable, but at the end of my mind, the bottom of my heart, I just feel....hurt? AHAHAHA. Aku tak tahu kenapa ianya bermain di benak diri aku, sebab aku rasa aku dah tak terfikirkan benda ni like forever. And it just suddenly appear, "Assalammualaikum dah sakit jiwa ke belum hari ni?"

No, I don't blame them for being kind and care and everything. It's just that, I'm not 100%, 1000% Million% perfect, there's always still 0.01% that still consider a big hit for me. And maybe, just maybe, I just keep on pushing people, because it's just easy for me to keep my heart, myself together. Actually, it's too stupid for me for even being me. My entire life just a mess, and hereby i declared that, everything seem like a lie to me. I don't know. It's just a proper way to say that I'm bad in being responsible for my own mind and heart.

What do I expect. "Hello, are you okay?". Wandered aimlessly on purpose should be the main objective of my life. Like follow the flow, like just walk where the wind lead you. Even you could say that wandering and sail off without a map is better rather that you just keep on saying you need this you need that to properly in line with your life. I think aku dah sebut banyak kali, yes, I'm being selfish. I try so hard to throw away everything such as the care, the words, the compliment, the company, so that people know, they are not alone? And it should be properly said that, I didn't expect anything much, like didn't expect anything from others. Didn't it seem proper?

Being silent, being lost purposely on your own choices make you wonder, am I living my life to the fullest? And the answer will proudly chosen as no. But I think that I don't mind it at all. I just want to feel this numb, to feel this suffocate of hating myself, so that whenever I fell, I know, you could only consider yourself as luck to have your own self. All of this, doesn't have to be about family okay? I'm fine with my family. Because of I always thinking of my family, that i just want to walk with this face, this mask. It just a mutual face.

It seem weird when it come from someone who always talkative, who always try to make everything seem stupid, seem too fun, seem to laugh for, seem to be like cheerful situations, because I just can't find, like who I am really standing right there? I do appreciate when people will ask me are okay and so on. That's actually confirming. I've been setting up myself that, you are in this alone, whatever it might look, everything seem to be blank and alone. The all time burden and suffocate, I just need to stuff it up in my body. Yes, everyone been hadap benda yang sama, the exact experiences, different time, different moments, different person. But tak semua in the same shoes. Dulu aku ingat, kita mempunyai kasut yang sama sebab aku pernah lalui benda tu. Tapi aku silap. Aku silap sepanjang aku cakap yang aku pernah rasai. Tidak. Tidak semua orang, tidak sepanjang masa aku lalui apa yang orang lain lalui.

Ya, aku tengah jadi tamak, aku jadi orang paling tamak dalam buat semua benda remeh macam ni. Itu sebab aku gunakan Pengakhiran sebagai penutup, supaya aku dapat sedarkan diri aku, setiap yang mula, kau tak sepatutnya fikir yang ianya akan berakhir dengan apa yang kau impikan. Kerana, semuanya akan terputus juga pada akhirnya. Aku perlu jadi orang yang pentingkan diri sendiri dan tamak dalam usaha menolak dan menepis pelbagai kemungkinan. The holding hand will be let go someday. It's okay. Another day will come, inevitably.

"kita cuba untuk jadi seseorang yang membawa kebahagiaan. bukan kita meletakkan pada orang lain untuk bahagiakan diri kita sendiri. it's not even fair for you and others. i hope there's someone that will taught me that this world isnt circulate only around you, life isnt about me, you, us only. there's so much to learn from it."

purposely. it's okay.

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