Rock Bottom

I can't even look to the sky, just to ask why?

Assalammualaikum, another day another rant.

Isn't it funny when we say sorry, for the million of time, for being care too much. As it is a bad intention? Isn't it weird that, with just an apology, everything will be okay? Like if it something, that everything is well and comfortably enough to keep on moving? Even though you know that you're not okay? Pretend that everything is okay?

All Of tears just like you're commit a sin that shouldn't be forgiven at all. No. I can't even understand when you're falling and care for someone, yet you only have to pretend that nothing is happening. When you try to crawl back, and yet you have to encounter an apology, again and again, seems like doesn't bring any meaning at all.

Living as far as you could, because you know, that this will be a repetition, even though you keep on learning. It is such a mess, when you actually try to hang on to yourself, yet you keep on bouncing with the same situations

To take a grave decisions, as living apart and care less is more efficient and sufficient for this life. The grave decisions is that, you're trying to lose everything. You try to shake it, try to face it, try to hold up, because you know, at the end, the only hand and shoulder you're hoping for is you. For you to lean on.

Running away would be the best way, gotten it over with would be sufficient. Stop for hoping that your life would be easy, stop all of your dreams, make up your thought, that there is no tomorrow to hope for. If you really thought, that your surrounding would be blossom, just bloom for yourself, that is more than enough. Yes, this is selfless thought. It's better be this way. No, no, I'm not hoping for the world to resolve around me.

You should get used to be alone, always. Just be lonely and lonelier. Yes, this is selfish thought, but for your own good. People always appreciate the main lead rather than second lead. It always the one who will be in front, not the side.

People most likely doesn't look at the broad picture. People sometimes lost the interests toward the surround of the picture. The only things that does matter on how we try to look and have point of view by perspective in life, on how to be a human being. No, it doesn't mean that you need to dwell for too long with the sadness. Rooting for yourself, cherish for yourself. Let it be sad, mad, happy you'll know that your worth it, as far as the sky, as vast as the oceans.

I've been asking myself. Why am I tired off? Why am I sad? Why even I have this feeling? Why is it so hard? There's been too much of the questions that didn't have the answers to it Or it just in my head? I just feel that this is fair, ditching people, run away from others. This is absurd. I can't ever explain, it is not that people don't understand. They just have to hold up for me, even when I try to explain, it doesn't even come out from my mouth. 

I try to held my head high, stand tall, yet I'm still afraid. Afraid of being hurt again. Still trying to conserve, so take it, to keep it, into my deep thought, deep in my heart, as it will be locked for a long time. I'm sorry. I've been asking myself for too long, for too much.

Am I really a good person to start with? I'm always leaving people asking "Why?" Sometime when people asking me,"Are you okay?". I'm moved, I'm swayed, I'm glad, yet I hate it. I can't even say, why am I being like this? The trust keep on bouncing as this is the hard situations to live with. care too much, over think too much. This is a disease. When I stayed and watch people who suffer from lonely, that they tend to walk away from others, afraid to be with anyone, I'm just cherish and yet I want them to be happy.

 

I just want to say, even we have different life, different issues, but I know how is it feel. Being in the rock bottom is a way to make myself comfort with dark. I think people did really misjudged me. Tend to hate the word "sorry", "I'm sorry" yet I'm the one who always say it like that. I always said that "It's okay, that's enough" every time, everyday. Because it is easy to give up. Because I want to stop the hope that I know, it wouldn't exist at the first place.

p/s: life as a shadow that only appear in darkness