Rant Out

Assalammualaikum and hey gais, 

 

credit to: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/28/24/4a/28244abd906a85d92bbd8c8b407be825.jpg

Need something to vent out, to rant for, hahah, im just kinda lost in my own timeline. as well as as im alive throughout the years, yeahhhh, im kinda feel exhausted. im just gonna say it here, aku tak rasa passion aku dalam sambung belajar ni fading, but aku tak tahu what's going on. i keep on reminding, this is the fight that im gonna fight alone. im just keep on reminding myself, im pursuing this for my own good. im not gonna lie when there's time where im lost within the time reading and still i cant get it out what i want. kalau orang lain boleh buat, takkan aku tak boleh buat kan? 

to be honest this is my passion, ya, mungkin salah lah aku start it with wrong niat kan, but whatever it is, im still curious and keep on challenging myself. but by the time, i know im just too late to back off. no, it's not that aku tak bersyukur, aku tak tahu what's keep being played in my head. it's kinda disturbing. aku dah take time for thesis timeline just for me to rant out. aku sebenarnya dah tak tahu nak cakap dengan siapa. apa aku boleh cakap, yaaaa imma dramaking, lantaklah, sebab kalau aku cakap pun it's not something yang otak aku expect, but aku tahu, lama-lama, aku simpan benda tu, aku hide benda ni, aku pun tak sedar, aku keep on running from people.

 credit to: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/6d/89/45/6d8945d19836b9ba26e13051e41c5cc7.jpg

aku tak pernah menyesal sambung belajar and aku keep on reminding myself that i need to fight this alone. everyone is fighting in their own way, why cant i just suck it up and shut it up. rasa macam bodoh sangat, bila kau rasa kau nak vent to people, but actually it was you being attention seeker. but one thing for sure, no one gonna read this and im hella happy and fine. for too long that i keep it inside, i know that someday i need to let it out, but i know, ive been pushed people away not because of i hate people, there's time that im too tired to explain and talk about it. disclaimer, ini bukan aku being overthinking hahaha, like seriously.

alu silap juga ambil ringan perkara ni, simpan all of it deep down, and even my study, i keep on reminding myself, this is not even easy journey, never take it lightly, but aku kalah dengan diri sendiri. im kinda lost by the time aku tersedar, aku terlambat.okay itu aku vent out my try-to-be-perfect in study, where aku tahu aku lost banyak sangat sekarang ni, cuma aku tak tahu nak cakap dengan siapa. 

my downfall happened when one of my friend meninggal, aku positive covid, yang itu aku rasa im just wish to be dead, to be honest, kepenatan yang aku tak pernah rasa, alone that i feel dead inside, and when my mak meninggal because of covid. secara jujurnya, aku salahkan diri aku, nampak macam aku tak menerima takdir. but im being hella honest with you guys, by the time aku terima takdir tu. aku hit rock bottom and downfall yang sangat teruk time ni, but i just being me, cant even said the word to people. i just cant seek for help to them. im just being lost.

how i wish that i could write my thesis like this right now. keep on dreaming dude, tak ada usaha tak ada bergeraknya kerja tu. 

 

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okay ni lain pula, im kinda stuck between being kind to people or i just keep it to myself and make it like im a bad person (okay ni aku rasa dalam kepala aku). aku sebenarnya, pada pandangan dan persepktif aku, aku dah tak overthinking banyak macam dulu, (alhamdulilah for that lah), sebab aku keep on reminding, you dont have to be like that. mungkin sebab aku prefer untuk tak let it out even when people asking. sebab aku rasa, im just too tiring to be handled and im just a burden. yaa i keep on rewriting this burden word to myself. im just tired to be vulnerable, and i dont even wish people to understand me. why did i keep it all to myself? i try to trust people, but what am i gonna say, im just put my happy face, and face the reality. sound stupid enough right?

when my friend try to make me talk and have a partner in life, i keep on reminding, this is my sin that i need to face for being me, i cant jeopardize other people just for me to have someone in my life. there's always reason why am i make a statement. but im only keep it to myself because this is my sin. can i just stop talking about myself? like i dont give a damn about anything? but that will make me less human, i just need to be there for people when they need human and someone to listen, never hope for people to understand you, never let them be in your shoes. let them see that im just being clingy, being attention seeker, being overthinking. it's just that i stop explain for myself, im just tired. that's all. 

im just gonna state it here, the reason for me to push people away from me, i think that im right for doing this is because not for their attitude, not because of them being bad in my life, it's just that, im sick of being myself, im just hope they can forget me, poof into thin air. but im still human that is broke, that cant go anywhere as i wish, just disappear as i want. stop being stupid hahaha. it's not because of you, it's just me. and one day, you'll grow tired, when im just being numb of overthinking. let time run as usual. 

itu sahaja rant aku, baik aku berhenti dekat sini before aku mengarut lebih.

credit to: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/d3/1c/db/d31cdbabd2a2d6a3a5fec2b6ad51092e.jpg

p/s: help me to stop being delusion hahaha, i hope i can be normal as other people, be it who i am, inside and out, can i stop it?