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constant reiteration

Actually I don't even know why I feel all of this, why I feel this heaviness in my chest, like everything feels not right. The urge to just go beyond the thongs that is worse, it's worsening day by day. You know that's it's there in your head  the loudness in this silence. I know there's chances but I don't feel safe at all. I'm still trying, trying my best, and I know it's so stupid because I couldn't talk to anyone, like I was asking for the attention, like whatever I feel it's just another fool need attention.  I'm sorry that actually I try to reach everyone and yet I couldn't do that, I froze myself and the voices really loud in my head, I try to be there for anyone and yet I can't even hold myself, I lost my own grip to grasp the reality and stand where I standing. I lost everything, I just look at myself broken and shattered slowly, and I couldn't even do anything, what the fuck am I sad for? Like seriously I thought I'm...
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Assalamualaikum.

still learning about this quotes. it as been such a long time since then. when it is?
Alhamdulilah masih lagi percaya. hahah. okay memng diumumkan bahawasanya mmg ak sngat bosan. nothing to do. hanya melepak dirumah. tapi ak masih lagi masih melakukan kerja2 yang patut. ak bkn hnya tahu mnghasilkan kilang tahi mata. ak pun kalau ikutkan jangkauan masa ak dari kecil. ak dh biasa dtnggalkan berseorangan. kawan2 ak yg dekat sekolah semuany jauh2. kawan2 yg dekat semuanya sibuk. dengan kerja. ad yang plkn. it's okay for me. mmg ak ambil masa untuk cuba memulihkan kembali otak ak yang selalu bermasalah. haha. ak masih lagi cuba untuk senyum dan berfikiran positif. kekadang ad yang bertanya kenapa ak ni suka bersendirian. hahah. itu mmg sifat asal ak. mmg ak tak sukakan keadaan yang sesak. mngkin ak ni sush untuk buat kawan.

sebab terlalu banyak yang ak cuba kupas tapi mungkin membuahkan hasil yang berbelit. mungkin ad sesetengah fikir ianya bukan sesuatu yang munasabah. ad juga yang kata ak terlalu kecilkn skop. tapi itulah kenyataan nya. memori yang selalu terbentang luas membuatkan ak sedar. kadang2 ak terlalu tidak matang kerana teralu memikirkan yang bukan2. well that is really weird. im a weirdo person. the memory also make me think something. why should I stand beside them? this is Allah's did to His servants. ak perlukan konsep redha dlam kehidupa. inilah qada' dan qadar-Nya. bila ak melihat mereka yang menghantar gambar2 tentang memori mereka. ak takut untuk melakukanny.

kerana itu mungkin memori yang paling mahal dan paling susah untuk ak dapatkan. yet,the memories also make me always think something bad. something that make me away and apart from all those people. this is me. who always apart from people. always make myself alone. maybe it is hurt. maybe not. but it make me feel very relief that i can make others happy. smile is a chocolate for me. sometime. im always thinking that im sitting alone. while hearing the musics that flow into the veins in my body. it's so relief. yet beside of the beach or the sea. seven seas maybe?? hahhaha. that what i want to be done before im closing the pairs of eye from this world. Allah know the best for me.

ak ad juga mengatakan dekat beberapa orang bahawa ak memang takut untuk berkawan. ak takut untuk kehilangan kerana ak. ak juga takut untuk mengecewakan. ak takut untuk mejatuhkan.

it's not about im dont want to appreciate what Allah's given. that i should have them. but let me take the deep ocean breath in my core heart. im sorry for my bad manners and attitude for this post. actually im feel very sad. for tonight. i have to take the oath for myself.

Assalamualaikum. huhh.

p/s: i know that you busy lately. and i know that you never read my post. it's okay. you should done what you have to do. i'm also teaching myself not to harassment you. im always calling you and i can hear the atmosphere that you feel. sorry. im feel bad.


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