altschmerz

Assalammualaikum and hi,

it's raining today, it's really soothing.

i know this might sound unfair, but from my perspective, it's just it is. there's no why. people tend to learn from day to day, they learn so many things. it's just take a minute for you to either take it seriously or lightly. it's never wrong, there's no one fault. people tend to either give you all the time in the world for you to heal something that you dont even know God knows what it is in your head. the crowd that lives freely in your head really killing you, crowd of thoughts, crowd of emotions. but one thing you learned that, they leave you alone, for the time being, is actually killing you slowly. it takes a toll for every action youve done until today.

actually, no one ever noticed it, they actually let go of your hand slowly, because you tend to learn, no one will understand and the grip starts to lose bit by bit. no, i never asked for any attention. you learned that, youre the one who need to let go of their hands without them noticing it. you afraid, you just afraid youre gonna harm them in worse possible ways. they see youve changed but actually that;s the real you, who hide behind those masks. you just sink you own crowd-festive-thoughts-emotions in the box, so no one would notice it. pandora box.

all of the masks that you put in order no one would notice, just enough for you to live day by day. even waking up now is really hurting, but you know, you take your own life was never easy. until youre forgotten about you dark places that hold you tightly, they actually crawl back to you, they are actually killing you bit by bit. youre the one who doenst even notice that it is just waiting for the right time to crawl back to you. you make people feel uncomfortable to be around you, they keep on asking what they have done to you, they judge, they critique, they draw their conclusion about my life, about what i did, about how i feel as if it's going on in the world. you just only know what you think you know. but, that's just in my head. they have their own problems to think about, they have their own matters to deal and worry about. i was invalidate for my own thoughts, for my own feelings. i was put under pressure for having all of this just because i try to seek for help.

you should know that by now, you were never the present and future, be it for you or anyone. you stuck in the same circle, the same cycle, that everyone said, everything is going to be okay, but you just play with the words. it is not the "time" that you need to heal all of the things in your head, because it doesnt vanish the pain, you just learn to adapt with the pain, be at peace with the pain. you know that the demons crawl to you, and hang on you tightly. youre the bomb that will self-destruct and make people suffer. you try to reach your hand for help, but you just crumble and you are broken on the floor, just to keep it to yourself, just to keep you sane to go through second by second. you are just afraid. you are all alone. you now, no one will do the same for you, for what you have given all of your life.

you were the past that was never everlasting, youre just stuck in the past. i know, people just judge me for being overthinking, for being clingy, for being attention seeker. when they said if you need to say something, talk about something, tell the story of your head, tell them everything. but in the end, youre the one who will be blamed for it. it's all on your head. but i never asked it to come and have all that. ive been fight this battle for all those years, but it was never easy. im just weak, im way too weak to even live in this world. but it's expected, youve already drawn the thoughts. your demons already thought you, and just put the blame on yourself. that is enough just for you to hold those ropes for a while, rope of hopes. rope that is either will hang you, or pull you into the light.

that's life, you should expect less, lesser than what youve given. because you are afraid that they will face the same thing, but i really wish that no one would ever have to face all of these things. you are all alone. you cant even ask them to stay and understand you. no one has that time for you. no one will stick with you. youre the reason, the one that people are afraid of. you turn blind eyes because you hope for better, you hope for slight chances, you hope for hope. but, you just need to be okay, you just need to be fine. now, im being a bad person to the one who cares for me. the one who listens to you silence.

they said, you need to pray, you need to put yourself in the doa, you need to have faith, but did you ever thought, it's not "time", it's not you didnt have the faith, it's not that you dont believe in all of this and that, but it's you that been left alone to just face the problems. but everyone actually has problems and burdens that they need to face and settle by themselves. the world doesnt revolve around you. i know all of that! i know it too well! ive already know that before i say it to the world, to people. that's why i tend to stop telling people what is in my mind, what is happening, because you need to be fine! you need to be okay! you should stop being a burden to others! but you know, easier said than done. the action was never easy!

everyone just puts it back on your shoulders, and just says you need to face it, you need times to heal, you need patience. i know that! what i didnt know, why is it hurt me like hell?! im done with asking for help! i keep all this silence to myself. i give all my help and heart to people until i forgot to keep it for myself! who asked you to do that! no on! because i dont want people to feel how the demons hold you tightly! when you fell into the dark pitch black hole of darkness that was drowning your soul slowly! no one want to stick around with you, youre your own bomb, youre self destruct! no one will listen to you. you learnt that in hard ways possible. you keep it all to yourselves. they asked you to change for good, they asked you to be a good person, they asked you to just learn from it and forget about it.

it's all in my head. it is never easy, i tell you it is never easy. im not gonna lie when i actually asked for help, but im the one who is at wrong. when i try to open up, and i try to trust again, it becomes worse. they leave you alone so that you could use all of the time to heal what is in your head, you just lost yourselves. it becomes worse. im the one who makes it worse. i always think about my own non-existent, i always aware that no one will care, no one will ever shed tears after im gone. ive already thought of that, it's always in my mind

it's never their fault. im the one who pushes people away, im the one who makes them feel uncomfortable. im the one who makes it hard for others. because i know, im not important, im not someone who is special enough to hold on, to stick around. but im okay with it, im fine with that. i just wish for once and for all, dont leave me all alone by myself. now, im afraid of everything, of everyone. you werent supposed to be exist. you should just listen to your old self, to your 15 years old self. you should take that action. it's never easy. never

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it's just feel like the end of the world, even everyone said the opposite, but why am I feeling like it? I won't ask for anything again, I'll stop asking for reassurance, I'll stop talking about how I feel, just stay. Please. Please. I'm drowning, I cant feel the ground now, the wave that keep on knocking me down when I try to fight it, that just keep coming again and again.

this was only a little bit of words in my head. you never want to listen to all of it, it's tiring, it's never wrong for me to feel all of this, right? everyone thought this is my first time being like this, but i grew and live with being like this. but no one should know this, literally no one

I'm okay, I'm fine, I don't want everyone to worry about me because even i can't understand myself. Every words that came out from others, it make me question and wonder, because literally I don't deserve all of that. im just a burden, im just a mere nothing, im only make people suffer of me, i cant make anything other than people hurt because of me. how i wish it was easy. how i wish it was never a sin. i dont deserve any care or love from anyone, i cant even differ between good or bad now.