Ineffable

im sorry, im so sorry, right now sorry doesnt bring anything anymore. im fucked up, im messed up too much. im hurting people way too much. everything's just too much right now, it's never their faults. if only i know when to stop, how to stop myself, this would be enough. i'll never be good to others, im just too much for people to understand, im the problem, im not who i am, im not a person anymore. im just a problem. im sorry i wish i could shut everything up from my side. i try, i know im being bad. but i cant see anything now.

the loud thoughts, the heavy hearts, the inner screams, i cant even say im okay, but, it seems like all of this become a blames, at one point, i just cant see what's good and bad. im just could see and say, i dont know, i dont really know what's happening. im just feel it without im asking about it. maybe it's true that at one point, those who cares, really gonna stop to care and ask for you. i cant even talked and said what's happening in me. 

im not trying to say that the only rest i need is sleep, i just dont think of anything, is just sit still and do nothing. my head never rest, i try to distract myself, i try to fight it. but it's will become, only me who just allow it. i never asked it. im trying to be okay, i just want to feel normal, being a normal person for a second, but still, the holocaust, the nuclear, the bomb, the holes in me really killing me. it's my fault for not trusting anyone, for pushing people away, for being just annoying as possible, just being a burden. that's what im good at.

"i guess it's because if we try hard enough, we can believe our own lies. i know, i did when like an idiot i still believed that the worst of this nightmare was over" im not gonna lie when i said, i just put it on hold, all those i feel this years, but never thought it just came at me without warning. because im good at hiding it, for what do we have to show it to people, it's bad for them, it's never bad for us. it's only bad when they see through you, when something that you afraid of all this years, appear infront of them. 

i was never good enough, i was never the one, i was never the person that people should meet. i dont know, even thousands of good, positive words, at the end, im all alone, because i dont want to harm anyone, and still they put it on you so that you heal by yourself. i dont know what i want, i know, im pushing all of you, but i dont know, im giving up everything, ive put it down when i know, it's just on me, it will be put on me only. this heavy sigh that i have, i dont know why do i have to feel this way. yes, this is all in my head, but why is it my body have to suffer, why is it affecting me, mental and physical?

i know, everyone keep saying, you need to be good, have a positive thoughts, you can make the negative thoughts win, ive tried, i know, im trying for all those years i have face it. im sorry this isnt my first rodeo, where im left all alone, where it's just put the blame on me for being overthinking, for asking for reassurances from people, i just wish all of this could stop. why am i cant be selfish for once in my life time, without have to think about others when i just want this to stop. i know what im asking is too much, too much burden and pressure, but im a fucking messed up, im a fucking bad person. ive become the very person that i hate the most, guess my thoughts is right, guess my voices is right, im the cause of all the problems.

im the problems, the blame is on me, it's my faults. im sorry for those who never thought that im like this, who never see the real me, because no one should see me like this. i know, im not gonna trust anyone, im afraid of everyone and everything right now, because it's my faults. im sorry, by all means, if those positive words would have done a great job, this will over in past. i hate myself for complicating everything, i hate myself for being alive. just put everything on me, i understand.

ive to questions people who dares to stay with me, because im just gonna make people suffer. because you'll grew tired, you'll fate me for being like this. i just tired. if sleeps is all i want, make it forever, i just want to close and never wake up. yes, reality sucks, i know everyone face it, suck it up, but i dont know why am i being like this, i dont know why, just tell me why. why should i stay? im mere nothing, i know im not that important, why would i be important for anyone, i'll always become the second choices, yes i have to second guess everything. 

because i didnt see anything that make me something, but i dont have to shout it out, because at the end, there's someone who sees my worth, who said that? as far as i know, i dont see anything, i just see faulty in me, and blame in me, for not being good enough. it's okay, im fine, because it's my fault. im the one who cannot satisfied anyone. im a plaything, use while can, im just as good as bystander, i didnt cost anything. play dumb at the best, im the one who will be seen as cringe, attention seeker, im just a burden.

at the end people left you, at the end, you being you will be blame for, at the end, what are you going through right now, will be blame for. at the end, it's on you. at the end, people will said, im the one who caused it. im the one who making it worst. it's all my faults, i cant hold anything. i left a dark stench on people hands, im the worst, im no good, im a mistake, im the problems.

im not worth anything. im at the edge, should i? im trying my best, im sorry, i tried