Bad

 Assalammualaikum and hi,

the bad and the worse ever i could say and feel right now. the pitch black and the darkness that sink me till rock bottom really hurting me any possible way. i just cant deny that it wasnt easy to cope with myself this time. i thought i could make me feel safe and be certain that i can get out from it. but day to day, hurting myself is the best possible way for me to make peace with the demon. i couldnt even see which is good and which is bad, i keep on going in circle, keep on being afraid and this is all my fault. i shouldnt even make it safe for me, but i grew tired of it, be it reality or dreams or sleep or awake, all of this just killing me. but how i could even possible expect and accept what is what at this moment?

i keep on asking and have to be bad person, the person that i always said and remind i shouldnt be, and here i am. the shivering in me really killing me, i keep on being afraid. but i couldnt even say anything because even i didnt understand what is happening in me. i keep on losing the vision of which part that i should hold the grip, which that i should let it go. i keep on losing of myself, keep on asking who am i, keep on asking is this because of me. ive been in this situation, but why is it really worse this time, why am i being like this, what happened to the me who keep on giving the best, im drowning because i couldnt even touch the ground beneath. im floating between the earth and the sky, i lost my balance. it's hard for me to even accept, understand and digest whoever could possible giving their hand for me to hold,  whoever could possible care for me.

the voices really the one that keep holding my body, my brain and my heart have fainted and start to lost me in every possible way. this exhaustion that i felt right now cannot be calm by the peaceful sleep, it haunted you in your dream, cant be calm by the word from others. i could put my smile but still im just killing myself within that second. no one should be involved with me, im just the boom that keep on harming people, now i believe when people said im the bad person for doing this and that, pushing people away. im just bad and keep on being the worse. ive already swallowed by it, and to be honest, im giving up on my life now. 

time heals everything is a myth, it never heals you, the wound that become the scars will hurting you eventually, everytime possible. because you only befriend with your scars, and what is possible to be done is, you only hiding the truth and the obvious. i know i keep on denying every words that been given, but i lost of every possible hope right now. i turn it down as much as possible, i run from it, i keep on pushing as far as i can. im giving up, im sorry but let me be like this forever. im tired, tired of everything. use me every way possible, blame me as much as possible, left me as soon as possible, im shattered to million pieces. i want to feel safe, rest peaceful. im tired being strong.

maybe, im the worst human you meet in your life. im sorry for my bad, i dont want to be like this. im trying to do my best, but i cant, so leave me alone, save your heart and thank you for coming, and trying to give a new colour to my life.

i couldnt feel anything, i feel disgusted, i feel the worse.