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constant reiteration

Actually I don't even know why I feel all of this, why I feel this heaviness in my chest, like everything feels not right. The urge to just go beyond the thongs that is worse, it's worsening day by day. You know that's it's there in your head  the loudness in this silence. I know there's chances but I don't feel safe at all. I'm still trying, trying my best, and I know it's so stupid because I couldn't talk to anyone, like I was asking for the attention, like whatever I feel it's just another fool need attention.  I'm sorry that actually I try to reach everyone and yet I couldn't do that, I froze myself and the voices really loud in my head, I try to be there for anyone and yet I can't even hold myself, I lost my own grip to grasp the reality and stand where I standing. I lost everything, I just look at myself broken and shattered slowly, and I couldn't even do anything, what the fuck am I sad for? Like seriously I thought I'm...
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Missing

 Assalammualaikum and hi,

it's been so long. im missing myself, im missing when i actually happy, but i cant even remember when was the last time i could smile without any reasons. i keep on slipping into my own darkness. i keep on digging into my own grave. i keep on wishing that my existent is just a mistake.

it's unfair for me to cry today, when everything was too tiring, when i try to run, i try to hide, im just being with myself, im trying to be with myself. it's just im too tired. it's just too selfish for me to even do this to everyone, when i should just keep being with the one that stay for me, with me. but i cant find it in my stand. i cant see from my view. i cant feel from my own shoes. i keep on losing from day to day. i keep on feel that it's so wrong of me to even be there for people. i cant seek for anyone help. i keep on bugging and being to crowd with my own feeling. everything become blurry, i keep on drowning, day by day.

my head was too loud and im still keep on hearing it. i just want it to stop. i know im selfish and bad, but when people start to give me time and letting me go, actually, i tend to run and im afraid that i'll never come back. i tend to hide and disappear. because my thought been saying that, they didnt want you, you were never the first, you're never the choices. it's just a show, they let go your hand just to give you time and heal by yourself, but it's actually letting me to just disappear without reassurance, that there's even a place for me to rest. yes it's selfish, but it is what it is. people always said that, stick and stay with the right people, the one who love you, but you didnt know the bombs that been ticking in my head do really kill people around me. 

there's some people who said yes it is true, im the one who keep on making people run from me, keep their distance from me, just because im being defensive, when it's my coping mechanism, my defense mechanism tick on. but who i am to keep on battle for myself. it's bad for me to defense myself, it's become bad when the one who make me like this, keep saying im the one being a bad person now. thank you for stating it, thank you for making me like this, thank you for making me hard to defense and protect myself. now im the bad guy, who keep pushing people away from me. i run as hard, as far because i know i cant even say anything about myself. be it i try hard to say that im not the one who's at fault, but all i can do is sit and listen. i know that you want me to leave you alone, i know that you just want me to stop taling. i just want all of this to stop, i dont want to break anything any more worse. im tired. im afraid to seek for help, but i need you.

when you cant speak, write. but i know, no one who will read this, but im okay, it's been years, im all alone and im okay, i should be okay, i should be fine, because no one listens to me now. im just talking to myself, fight my own demons, fight my own thoughts. it's just too loud, it's just too crowd. im really thankful to the one who make me feel like im not worth it to live in this world. myself not matters, but at least give me a chance to feel like, even a second, this world is me alone. im a terrifying human being, im was far too dangerous for people to stick with me. i tend to think too loud, i tend to walk too fast, i tend to talking way too quiet, i tend to smile just i could cry. 

it's all my faults, i trust the wrong person, i talk way too much, i laugh way too harder, just so that i could keep my demons asleep. and now im go back to black, i go back to my own slump that i was running all this day, to the darkness that swallow me bit by bit. thank you. and now trusting people is hard, i shut my own world, i shut my own life, i walk away, i shut everyone out. i know some people just give up with me, i know some people do run away, i know some people do blame me for being like this, but i cant say anything, i keep on standing where i am, walking through time and pace. 

you werent there. the days that i felt like i couldnt breathe and that they were never going to end. the nights that i could not pick myself up off the floor. you were not there and i will not forget that. you said you'd be there for me if i needed you. well i really needed you. and you werent there.

im sorry for being like this, im just tired.

 Oh, all that I did to try to undo itAll of my pain and all your excusesI was a kid but I wasn't clueless(Someone who loves you wouldn't do this)All of my past, I tried to erase itBut now I see, would I even change it?

 

 

Well, the tears that I criedFormed an oceanAn ocean that taught meHow to swimAgainst the current of your lies
 That said that I'm inadequate
And turns out when no one's thereTo save youSave you from drowning in your painYou learn real fast that it's up to youTo grow from every wave
 
Waves
Song by Gatton
 
 
Take me to the rooftopI wanna see the world when I stop breathingTurning blueTell me, love is endless, don't be so pretentiousLeave me, like you do (like you do)
 
If you need meWanna see meBetter hurry'Cause I'm leaving soon
 
Sorry, can't save me nowSorry, I don't know howSorry, there's no way out (sorry)But down, mm down
 
Taste me, the salty tears on my cheekThat's what a year-long headache does to youI'm not okay, I feel so scatteredDon't say I'm all that mattersLeave meDeja vu
 
If you need meWanna see meYou better hurryI'm leaving soon
 
Sorry, can't save me nowSorry, I don't know how (sorry)Sorry, there's no way out (sorry)But down, mm down
 
Call my friends and tellThem that I love themAnd I'll miss themBut I'm not sorryCall my friends and tell them that I love themAnd I'll miss themSorry
 
 
Listen Before I Go
Song by Billie Eilish

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