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constant reiteration

Actually I don't even know why I feel all of this, why I feel this heaviness in my chest, like everything feels not right. The urge to just go beyond the thongs that is worse, it's worsening day by day. You know that's it's there in your head  the loudness in this silence. I know there's chances but I don't feel safe at all. I'm still trying, trying my best, and I know it's so stupid because I couldn't talk to anyone, like I was asking for the attention, like whatever I feel it's just another fool need attention.  I'm sorry that actually I try to reach everyone and yet I couldn't do that, I froze myself and the voices really loud in my head, I try to be there for anyone and yet I can't even hold myself, I lost my own grip to grasp the reality and stand where I standing. I lost everything, I just look at myself broken and shattered slowly, and I couldn't even do anything, what the fuck am I sad for? Like seriously I thought I'm...
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Self

Assalamualaikum
Alhamdulilah im still have a chance to breath. Today im in the cloud nine. Maybe?? Because i was passed with jpj test for my motor license. For the first time it seems like im wouldnt gonna have it. Well i got first name on the paper. It's mean that i had to start it first. It's okay because there still some people infront of me. Haha alhamdulilah

Okayy today when i see at the pic. Well,im amazed that the others could make a hang out together. Me?? Well since im avoiding myself it is not gonna happen. Sorry to you syaiful. I think you know the answerd why im doing that? Not because i dont want it but i cant. I want to meet you and the others but it seems like it not gonna be a happy moments. Have fun with them because i cant give the happiness as them. Much better then me.

Yes im still have to be myself indeed of my pledge. Haha. Seems funny right? Okay im really need you. Eventhough im trying to teach myself to hold for a week but it seems that i cant. I failed toward myself. Maybe there's a happy and sad moments between us. But when im recalling it back. There was to much things we spent out together. But i dont want to mention it because it will made us apart.

Being me is a horrible thing in my life. Hahah. When i looked back it seems like the old me had happy moments and self-confidence. Now,it gone. Fade away. Im trying to catch it but i need someone. Like you. But it burden you. Same like i put all my problem at your back sides. I should learn. Im sorry friend. Neither I dont want to lose you nor to have a bad moments. Arghh seems like it is to hard friend. Happy go lucky had gone from my sight. Id changed.

Assalamualaikum im sorry for this bad manners

p/s: self-confidence fade away as we become apart

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